Here’s some honesty pudding, if you want a another less dense texture, time to change the station… ha. anyhoo.
I stand here making edmonds ginger slice all snuggly in my cosy london home, flour everywhere and icing in my teeth.
I miss home. Listening to Cliff Richard’s carols, I start crying. not the deep sobs, just the wee lil whimpers of a adult tryna adult away in a adult apartment in a adult city. Far FAAAAaaarrrrRRRR from the snuggle party of NZ. I miss my family, my car, my beach. all that.
Then I start praying. I am blessed to miss something. I KNOW THAT FULL WELL.
Then in between the sniffles. It hits me. The diagnosis my soul needed….
Longing. I was LOoooonngGGiinnNNGgg for home.
London is not my home.
Then I remember back to seasons past. Not just here in London,but even back in NZ.
I remember feeling the same way. Every season has had it’s own voids. Friends, a partner, my car, my family, the beach. No matter how perfect the scenario, there has always been a deficiency in this gloriously intense season of celebration.
Thats it guys. Your welcome. That blank feeling in the pit of your stomach.
This world is not our home.
Its taken me…. shucks, 28 years to really experience all the options and realise no matter what your flavour of the month is…. the happiness will never be true Joy this side of heaven.
Is not our home.
All my humanity has and always will push against that.
I like making a house, a home. I like shenanigans. I like road trips. I like laughing till I want to cry. I like planning. I like not planning. Creating. Feeling important. Snuggling up. All that.
My humanity makes me comfortable in the void. Accepting it like a shadow that follows me. Sometimes its a little shadow. Sometimes it screams loud.
But when I turn around in the moments of ache, and notice it. It breaks me down. Until I acknowledge that once again. This world is not my home.
And the ache, is the longing. The yearning.
And that ache, longing and yearning… I am now realising that the promise set in the bible so many moons ago is as relevant to me now as it was then.
God has set eternity in our hearts.
Not just the aim for the stars and you’ll reach the moon drudge.
But the no death families, no tears stinging our eyes, no pain in our hearts kind of eternity.
The eternity that forgets about warfare/war-fear. The kind of eternity that poverty knows no place. The eternity that makes all pain last a split second.
Oh how I now realise thats all I want.
Which brings me to the promise.
\\ Ecclesiastes 3:11 // He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
So this season. If you find yourself staring out the window. Swallowing sobs. Chances are, it’s less about the surroundings and more about the heart condition we all have. The-world-is-not-our-home voiditius.
Suuuper technical term I know. Your welcome.
May this holiday season not lull you into accepting the void but spur you into desiring love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Mwah Mwah my friends from my slippers to your jandels.