Ok so before I keep writing….I want to you re-read my blog from the beginning of the year first https://spoonfullofdaniela.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/so-yah-nothing-clever-no-unusual-musing-just-a-testimonial/
Ok So. Here I am.
It’s the end of the year and I find myself back at Marbeks….musin away. Sugar-free V. Reflection Station.
You know -re-reading that blog from the beginning of the year I can’t help it. I tear up. The one thing I asked for was for God to protect my heart.
But in order to truly protect my heart….He had to get to it.
And he spent all year searching for it. Stripping all the extra layers shrouding it.
Ok. I gotta stop. I’m makin the napkin damp.
I never realized that sometimes God has to allow for things to be taken away from you. It’s there. At the bottom. That you realize, the only thing to sustain you is him. His promises, his clarity, purpose and his identity.
Or course he hates seeing us cry. There’s this bible verse that talks about how he collects all our tears and puts them in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). But sometimes he just has to be the big daddy that sits back, watches us trip up, only for us to understand why he asks us to tie our shoelaces.
So anyway. My around the bush way of talking is avoiding the truth.
I have had a hard year. Perhaps the hardest. I have worked the hardest, I have played the hardest, I have laughed the hardest and I have cried the hardest.
God was there for all of it. Stripping each layer of my heart away, Till he was left with me weak, tired, alone. Beating pathetically in his hand.
Allowing every heartbreaking, earth shattering experience to exist in my life to clear my schedule, to remove the distractions. To make me intentionally cry out to him.
Perhaps the richest experience I had this year….Ok I gotta pause again. The tears. Oh boi…..ahem…
Anyway, I gotta share it.
Perhaps the richest experiences I have had this year were my temper tantrums. I had gotten so wound up, anxious, bitter, rejected, angry…oh the anger was the worst…
And I let it out. These were the first times I had let it all out to God. Oh I told him. The bitter venom burst forth. I smashed things (whoa this is gettin raw), I munched my fist, I slammed the door over and over and over again.
Then when I was worn out physically. I sobbed. I sobbed till my throat was raw. Till I was exhausted. Till my voice dropped from hysterics to incoherent mumbles. Then I slept.
It was then, in those moments I realized that all God wanted all along this year was my complete communication. For me to share with him my all. I willingly and deliberately didn’t share with God my everything.
And finally in those bare it all moments, I felt God take over my heart. I felt him scoop me up and fold me in his wings. I felt him come in a poar his water on my dry dry sandy heart.
Ok I’m aware that all this sounds cliche and extremely metaphoricalish. But that’s the only way I can picture how I have seen God move over me this last month.
This blog post.
I guess is to just share.
A little of my journey.
Partly to remind me in the future of where I was. And partly to perhaps let you resonate with my story.
God is with the heartbroken.
I have been reading the bible again.
What a stunning thing to say.
After a year, perhaps more of neglecting it. I find that I cannot cope without reading some truth or experience that speaks to me.
Ok I get lost in the bible.
All those begats drown me in litergy and dankness.
But the psalms.
David was in every way the 21st century person. He coulda lived in this day and age and written the same words and they would have been relevant to his life.
Which is why I resonate with his psalms.
My current favorite.
Psalm 51. Read in the NIV.
I love and cling to this line especially.
My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
Or in the message:
(verse 17) Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.
Ok yeah. Read that. And weep for your condition.
We are all shattered hey?
If this year has taught me anything…it is compassion for the human condition. How we are all sinners despite our best efforts and how we are all affected by sin.
And God is not there judging us. He will wait while we thrash about in the cells of our own making. Prisoner’s of our choices. Until we stop. Look around, realize that we are trapped. Then we pause. wait a beat- look up to God, lock eyes with him. And walk through the door we never realized was open the entire time. To him.
I know that I will get distracted again. Put other things and experiences on a pedestal again.
Then I will thrash around. Prisoner to my choices. Till I stop, lock eyes. And walk in freedom.
So I guess my point in writing this is to remember where I am now. So when I find myself curled up on the couch, beating my fists against the cushions, I remember the deliverance. So maybe the lowest point bottoms out and levels itself sooner.
We are capable of spirituality. Victims to the human condition- affecting and being affected by sin. We are all on some stage of the heartbroken scale. We are all on a journey away or too God.