I got my retrospecs on right now.
I was very tempted to wander around without them on and you’d be none the wiser.
But here I sit. Retrospectales on. The rear-view mirror in focus.
This time last week, I was driving around with my eyes so blurry I nearly crashed into my own shadow.
I was hyperventilating and felt so totally stifled. Even though I was in a car on the open road.
That afternoon I had gotten ‘home’ from ‘work’ and layed down on my army barrack, nearly sunk through the floor witht he sheer weight of my heart- or that could just ahve been the shotty srings. And with the new flatmate having a go at her son as a themesong I cried out. Internally of course. it nearly blew vessels.
I felt so oppressed. I’ve never felt that way before. I had to get out. To physically be alone. So I did. I put my sunnies on (while inside like a cool person) and left. Got in the car and let rip. I cried so loud I was scared of the sound. It was the most gutteral sound. It came from so deep inside me it sounded like something else.
I ended up in a furniture store of all places. Wandering around completely lost. I then had the weirdest thought- ‘Where the hell am I going to put my VW collection?!’ And then that set me off again. I raced back into the car and let rip once more.
So fast forward to the eyes blurry moment and then you have the phone call. To mum. Asking if I could come home again. The poor woman. I must have sounded wounded. I was hyper breathing.
Anyway enough of that. I drove and lamented to God the entire 4 hour journey home. I didn’t stop for the loo once. I felt like Job.
So I got home. Almost didn’t put the handbrake on in my rush to get in the house. And mum said these precious words…. “Shall I put the kettle on”?
I had such a blessed weekend. It was reprieve. I went to church. Had a movie night with mum, had my car checked over by dad, got my OWN crockery and pillows, designed my bro’s 21st invites and visited friends.
It was with the logic of my parents that cut through the non-sensical girly PMS frills of me. “Why don’t you give that woman a call- you know, the one with the unit thingy attached to their house…..the one for free”.
Oh boy. No wonder all the other places I looked at tore me apart. Gods had a plan that I could only see through my retrospec’s.
Anyway- cut to the car trip back to Tauranga.
I was crying again. sheesh. I could water Darwin. Only these tears were balm.
I was talking out loud like a nutter then cackling away when another revelation from God cut through.
I learnt alot in that car trip about the great I AM. I claimed God in every moment.
“Lord, Im worried about the car trip….I AM”
“Lord, what about Jaxon? I AM”
“Lord, what about where I’m going to live..” AM”
“Lord, what about the primary schoolers I teach…I AM”
Lord…? I AM, And What about?…I AM. And what if?… I AM.
No matter what I said… the answer was the same- “I AM”.
The mistake I had done in the past month was to ask ask ask and just when God was about to answer I ask ask ask again. The same cycle.
The family who own this unit asked me in my FIRST weekend in Tauranga if I would like to live here. I said….no. And have now spent the last month complaining about living in a bird cage while not noticing the door is swung open.
My new digs are amazing. Like a Sanctuary. wow.
It’s a Haven.
I might even wear these retrospecs inside.