Today is special.
Its a day of reprieve. I want to write about it before I get swept away and forget.
Today is the first day here in my new life that I have stopped. truly stopped and don’t need to cry.
For the past week I’ve started my life in Tauranga. New car, school, house, church and people.
I’ve tried so hard to keep my emotions in balance this last week- because change is huge. Especially one to this extent. And because I was blessed with over-active emotions, when given half the chance I’m swept away.
But I had to restrain them. I had to be polite: “Yes, Hi, my Name is Daniela (no I don’t mind that you just repeated it back to me wrong), Yes it is a beautiful school, Yes I am thrilled to be here in your house….”
Not that I’m sad to be here, Its just so darn unfamiliar. No-one knows me. I never thought that would be the biggest emotion I feel. Loneliness.
Oh there are people, lots of them and they are beautiful caring and genuine. But they don’t know me.
Normally a heightened intense sense of emotion is a direct reference to the state of my relationship with God- but this time I find myself clinging to him. Only he got me this amazing job (and its true- it really is a blessing) and only he knows how much I really swear and how I want to be softer in spirit.
But my throat has been choked up this week. And that’s actually quite sore- especially when your trying to hold a polite conversation with someone.
One major tip I have for those who have left home to a unfamiliar territory- bring a mink blanket or something that is warm, from home, that is yours- not laid on your bed by your host. Something you can surround yourself in and rock yourself to sleep and press your face into to muffle your sobs and to pretend its your mum.
These deep emotions only overwhelm me at night and early mornings, when I’ve stopped- car/meal or bed time. During the day when I actually have to be functional I feel invincible. I have God on my side and a great future ahead of me and nothing can stop me.
But when these moments overwhelm me I have to stop the car (or pick a private moment), run my body dry, indulge in the sorrow. Then pick my head up, stand strong and be brave. I never thought I would be this scared.
I might also advise not to have these ‘breakdown’ moments 10 mins before you have to walk into the school on your first day. People might notice. Look at you kindly and set you off again.
I am growing up in these moments. God is teaching me something through it- of that I’m sure. Strength, self-assurance in the blessed assurance or something.
But I guess the whole point of this post is to write it down. Writing is therapy. To write is to remember. To remember the day it rained, To remember the day where I am alone but finally praise God not lonely.